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Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Elke Blogs About A Special Day

(With some interjections from Artie....)

Mom will never write this correctly. I had best take care of this myself.

(Ah-hem.....woof, woof.....rolling eyes)

Yesterday we knew it was That Day. We started knowing it in the afternoon.

Knew what?

That it is The Day we go in the car and go to the room with all the Aunties (Jen, Kelsey, Mary Ann with L'Chaim Canine)

Put the link in, stupid. You think I'm such a dolt! I'm a cattledog you know, we're very smart!

Gnawing on bone....ignoring you..... sticking tongue out at you....

I started getting restless and whining. Now sometimes Mom is a pretty smart human. She got two bandannas with that soothing smell stuff she puts in the car when we go anywhere. We both got really excited when she was tying the bandannas on our necks. And you, BB, were trying to chew yours off.

Hey, I don't do clothes!

It's not clothes, stupid, it's a FASHION ACCESSORY and "scent carrying device." I don't know if it works but it seems to make Mom feel like she's doing something. Humans seem to have this need to "do something." Anyway, we settled down after a bit; it's not like we were out the door. Mom even gave us a little dinner which on The Night she normally doesn't do. After a while and a little Power Napping, Mom brought our harnesses in! Oh, I was soooo excited! I started squealing!

Mom was very calm when she put our harnesses on. BB and I ran to the kitchen door and then the Out Door and back again! Mom took us outside and we ran to the Outside Gate, "We're ready, we're going, we're so READY!"

Yeah, you were like stupid excited. What's with that?

But Mom took us in the backyard and started playing ball with you. "That's not in the program, wuz up, Mom?" I nosed her and jumped up on her, wagging my tail. Mom said, "Elke Louise, I'm not going to pet you if you are being all anxious and weird." She took us inside and sat on the sofa, reading a book about dogs. I know, I saw the cover. We did finally settle down, but it took me a while.

Yeah, Mom kept looking at me. "You better not be chewing that damn harness, Artie!" I was laying down but when she looks at me I have to get up! It's a cattledog thing.

Mom was pretty calm, she didn't smell too weird. I kept trying to smoosh myself on her but she wouldn't pet me. Bummer. She'd say stuff like, "You're fine, Elke, just chill out!" I have my harness and that bandanna thing on; who is she kidding??? Then...oh my goD, she got our leashes out! I heard them, I heard them!! I started barking, whining. I even did my patented freak-out-shriek too!

Yeah, I got pretty freaky with the leash thing too! I really couldn't stand myself! You at least sat, what's with that? Come on, you have to help the humans get the damn thing on you! You know how SLOW they are!

But, here's the weird part: we didn't go anywhere. Mom sat on the sofa and read some more from the dog book. She did not smell like wine either but she was not too weird.

Yeah, what was up with that? Maybe if I lay down we'll go! But then DAD CAME HOME! DAD, DAD! When are we going? Hi dad, hi dad! Hihihihihi!!

I know, I LOVE Dad-Man! Anyway, we still didn't go in the car for a while but then we did. We stopped someplace and we sat in the car for a little bit with all the windows open while Mom and Dad went into the bike shop (I read the sign...). We start going again and Artie is whining-----

-----it was YOU!-----

-----was not me, it was YOU! Dad hollered, "Shut up, Artie Blue! Give it a rest!" so yes, it was you.

Wuz not....(grumble-mumble)

Was so....Anyway, we knew where we were going! Dad turned up the music. We're riding along, we're getting closer, we both started to whine...but, but.....we went past The Class Place. Oh, my goD!! What's up? We pull into a park-place with lots of trees and Mom got out of the car. She took us for a walk in the woods and I saw a deer way before Mom! I grumbled so she'd know. We peed and you pooped and we walked some more. When we got to The Class Place, we stayed in the car with Dad. For quite a while. Then you left me with Dad. You have to tell what happened then.

I will. It was hard stuff!! Here's what I wrote:

Dad took me out of the car and we had a long talk in the parking lot. He stroked my head and rubbed my belly and told me I was a good girl, and he loved me. I just needed to get my head out of my (insert naughty word) Huh? I lick my butt; I can't get my head up it. Silly Dad! Then I saw Clark with his mommy. "Oooooh, my goD, I'm afraid of you, but I know you, but you're big, but I do know you.....Oh goD! I'm so conflicted!!"

Clark's mommy says, "What's with you, Elke? You don't even LIKE Clark!" Dad says he hopes maybe I'll be OK someday with Clark.

Claaaaaaaaaaaark! I love CLARK! He's my play frien-----

SHUT UP, Brat Boy! Sheesh!

Dad took me into the Class Place and I knew all the people there except the New Lady, Chris. The New Guy from last week was there too. I think Miss Chris might be a dog helper like The Aunties (Jen, Kelsey and Mary Ann). She was so calm and nice. "We're just doing a run through, right?" she said to Dad. She came over to me and stroked me, touched my feet and my ears so gently. I did the Eye Thing----

----You always do the Eye Thing! You sucker the humans in with the that whole Eye Thing! The come to see ME and what do you do? The stupid Eye Thing! It's so poopy and goopy and the humans get all stupid on you! You are such a big ol' suck-up, you and that whole Eye-----

May I continue? (Bone chewing commences.) Thank you. Anyway, Dad does the "Sit, Down, Stay" thing but no Bang. He told me we can't do "Bang", not sure why. Then Miss Chris dropped a clip board. Big (insert cuss word here) deal.

Oh, yeah, forgot about that. That DID kind of startle me but I sniffed it. It was ok, not like Scary Magazines.

Jeez, you are such a putz, BB! Anyway then we had to do Stay. I hate Stays! But Miss Chris said Dad could keep saying it to me so I guessed I better do it! And we did the "Come" Thing too. I almost always come when Dad says, "Schmoobeeee-Do!" Right after that, Auntie Kelsey came in the room with a big fluffy merle collie-dog.

"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod, a dog! Oh, I'm scared--Bark, woof, garrruff, bark, bark, whine, yip!"

But wait, I think I might know that dog. he smells kind of familiar but not, if you know what I mean. I heard Mom say, "I bet she remembers Shay...." (Mom is hiding in the corner, behind Auntie Jen. I don't know why. It's not like I don't KNOW she's there or anything. Humans. So dumb sometimes.) Dad walks us around the room while Shay-dog is being walked. He keeps getting closer but when he does get close, Auntie Kelsey tell him to lay down. Down isn't tooooooooo bad. He not so big and scary when he's down. I KNOW I know him from somewhere. "Sniff, sniff, sniff, the air!" (It's the Hounds in me.) Finally I think it's OK for Dad to shake hands with Auntie Kelsey. Shay-dog leaves and Miss Chris says, "Let's do the leave thing," and takes my leash. Dad walks to the door and Mom says, "Wait, Schmooby," and quietly leaves.

I can't remember what happened next, it's all a blur.

You too, huh?

Mom and Dad come back and Miss Chris says "You Passed!" Dad is pretty excited (for Dad, that is) and Mom is giving me cheese to eat and people are petting me and loving on me. I even started to cuddle with the New Guy Person and I gave him The Eye. Everyone says I have nice eyes.

(Suck-up.....gnawing on bone)

Whatever it is, Mom and Dad said they are very proud of me! There is a picture Auntie Jen took of me and Dad. What do the words mean?

Here is Miss Chris' link...she helps dogs and their humans too! Just like my Aunties!

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