The Glorpheads

Introducing The three Glorpheads!

I guess you're wondering what a Glorphead is. Glorp is my Spousal Unit's name for the mishmash of food we give them. It's usually dry dog food (Purina One), moist dog food (always BilJac) and yogurt along with a special garlic powder to repell insects and parasites. Yes, they have garlic breath in the summer but it does go away. Better garlic than fleas!
We have had Wingie and Jesse Ann since springtime 2001, the year we got married. Elke came to us rather unexpectedly in early November 2008.
As of this writing, Winger is 10 1/2 years old and we guess Jesse Ann is about 11 or 12. No one knows as she came to us from a Cattledog Rescue Org here in Ohio (with way too many dogs!)
She was, as an old friend of mine would put it, "rescued from the lahni", a really far too nice way of saying she was in a crate on a side porch.
Jesse Ann always has been really quite good since Day One. I took her home on Valentine's Day 2001 and have rarely regretted having her. She is very quiet and quite obedient, although she does it on HER time, as opposed to lickety-split time. She is The Princess and still bosses around the other dogs.
Winger was gifted to me by his breeder and when he came to us, he was a 'Fraidy Cat! He would not go near most people, especially men. It took years for him to warm up to some men. Now, when you come to visit he will lick you to death . He'd turn himself inside out to please you and is the most obedient dog we have. The ONLY reason I never did any Ring Obedience with him is that he panics and gets freaked out easily.
Elke is a whole 'nother story! In every way!
What makes me a little sad is to see Jesse Ann slowing down a great deal. She doesn't have the greatest hips or back knees in the world and the heat affects her. But she still wants to play ball; you have to monitor how much she gets to play.
People say they are good dogs and yes, they are, pretty much. But we work with them and I try to see they get enough exercise!
We love them!

Schmoosing?

Is "Schmoosing" like Shmoozing? The Schmooze is when you go to a party filled with muckety-mucks and are terribly charming, gay, casually carefree, smart and coy. Think politicians glad-handing and back-slapping but with much more charm.

This is the Art of The Schmooze. Anyone with a modicum of charm can Do The Schmooze!

To Schmoose to to cuddle your Schmuuhund (or other animals), hugging her and kissing her funny tan belly. It also consists of kissing your furry friend and waggling her folds. It's what Grandmas do when they see you and grab your cheeks and kiss you all over. (Our Grandmother did NOT do this, however others' Grandmas do do this.)

The Norwegian Schmuuhund Standard

A year old Norwegian Schmuuhund

The Norwegian Schmuuhund (or NS) is a small to medium-size versatile Nordic-type breed.

In the times of the great Norse warriors, the Norwegian Schmuuhund was a companion of the home and hunter of small rodents.  Many zoologists believe that the Black and Tan Norsk Squirrel's eradication is attributed to the Norwegian Schmuuhund.

The Schmuuhund’s traditional use was that of a home companion dog. They were also used for guarding, nurse-maids (both sexes) hunting, pulling small loads and herding of fowl.

Ancient legends say that Frigg, Goddess of the Home and Hearth worried about her earth children in The Cold Times when days and food were short and brought forth from her breast the first Schmuuhund: "Fra kjærlighet gir jeg deg gjerne."

Many tales are told of Schmuuhunden saving their children and families from extreme weather by using their body heat.  The ancient Norse epic poem, "Hunden min holdt meg varm med kyss" is almost surely about the loyalty and warmth of a Norwegian Schmuuhund.

The Schmuuhund is a progenitor of the Spitz types of dog. Its cousins comprise of the Norwegian Elkhound and Buhund (whom it greatly resembles, although the Schmuuhund is much older and rarer), the Finnish Lapphund, Finnish Spitz and Icelandic Sheepdog.  Many mammalogists also have findings that would indicate the Schmuuhund is also a distant ancestor of the larger sled dogs: malamutes, huskies, Klee Kais, Akitas and even such breeds as the  Shiba Inu and Japanese Spitz.

As of 2013, a DNA ancestral test is being speculated by scientist Dr. Marvin De Marschen of Institute of Science in Boulogne-sur-Mer, France but as the Schmuuhund is so rare, a wider control base is needed.  A world wide search for Schmuuhunden is under way and those who dogs have tested as purebred Schmuuhund or half-bred are encourage to contact Dr. Marschen through the Institute's website.



Contrary to popular belief, it is not related to the Valhund; that breed goes back, as do Corgis, to the Australian Poppleschnotz, an extremely ancient, very rare breed whose image can be found in ancient Egyptian art.

The Schmuuhund was known as the "home fire" dog or Frigg's Dog and this is seen today in modern Schmuuhunds as they like the comforts of home, ensconced on a soft bed. Interestingly, many of these dogs do not like water activities. This is not a dog to be left out in the yard or barn by itself.

Typical body shape and proper tail
carriage when alert

A classic female N. S. head

Breed Standard 
FCI. NKK, SKK, NSCUSA, CNSC, NSUKNI, NSCNZ, NSCNSW, NSCA,
AKC (rare Breed), UKC (Nordic), CKC (Misc.), KCGB

The Norwegian Schmuuhund should give an moving impression of cobbiness, strength and endurance. Its expression should be curious, alert and extremely beguiling. Males will have more bulk and bone; the females are lighter and more delicate but both sexes should not exhibit differences in temperament, whether altered or intact.

Body: The Schmuuhund's body length should be a ratio of ten to nine of its height. A square dog is acceptable as well. The withers should be slightly above the base of the tail but the back should be fairly level and straight. A slight roll of flesh at the shoulders and base of neck is highly desired.
Faults: Coarseness or refinement. Extreme length of leg or back.

Legs: The length of Leg is ideally equal to the length from wither to the base of the breast bone. The front legs should be straight but a slight pigeon-toe is not faulted and flexibility when at rest is highly desired. A typical Schmuuhund should be able to fold its front legs inward, much as a cat can. The hide legs are straight with a slight angle at the knee.
Laying in a "Frog Legged" position when at rest is common and does not indicate joint problems.
The feet should be small, delicate, and tight with somewhat elongated, compact toes with black toe nails. The legs are often slim in comparison to the body over all.

Faults: Over-angulation, wide spread feet, long or "hare" feet. White or pink toe nails.

The Tail is carried in a curl or curve over the back in a scimitar shape or C-shape during the trotting movement and while standing at alert. The tail must not have a double curve or be straight as this is a severe fault.

The Schmuuhund Gait is somewhat stifled at the trot but should give the impression of covering ground efficiently for an elongated period of time. The Schmuuhund should move horse-like at faster gaits (canter and gallop).
 Faults: Flashy gaiting as well as a hackney or high knee action is penalized.

The Head is one of the Schmuuhund’s most distinctive features. The Eyes should be a deep, dark brown almost to black. They are somewhat small but not prominent. Eyes should be outlined in black or very dark brown with lines going out to the side. There may be a tan outlining around the eyes, giving the appearance of spectacles. This is highly desirable. The expression should be one of alert, curious watchfulness coupled with a melting warmth.
 Faults: No black around the eyes, protuberant eyes, slit eyes. A "cold" or unfriendly expression in the eyes is a severe fault.

The Nose is as long as from the base of the eyes to the back of the skull. The muzzle should be black tapering to tan near the eye area. A slight Roman tilt to the nose is desirable and the muzzle should be an elongated, somewhat narrow V-shape. The nose leather is tight and always black. A small tan or gray beard underneath the chin, called “Odin’s Thumbprint” is highly desirable. This may be very prominent in a puppy but should remain in an adult dog and may extend out along the muzzle and mouth as the dog ages.

The Mouth: The lips are tight and black and the teeth must be a scissor bite. A level bite can be acceptable, provided the rest of the dog excels beyond the standard. Faults: Severe over- or under-bite, square muzzle.

The Ears must be triangular in shape and should stand upright at attention. The ears are extremely expressive, indicating vividly the dog's frame of mind. A curve at the tip or slight wrinkle in the outer side of the ear is allowable. The ear set gives the impression of a bat’s ear but the point of the ear should a sharp clean edge, not rounded. The ear leather is substantial. A drop ear is sometimes seen but not desirable.
 Faults: Rounded ears, drop ears, hound ears, ears standing at ninety degree angles.

The Coat: The Schmuuhund coat is of medium length and soft textured. The standard and most highly desired color is tan with black tips and light tan to cream legs. Other acceptable colors are Tan, Dark Tan, Brown-red, Soft Red (which must have tan legs and underbelly), Dark Wheaten and Black and Tan. Muzzle must be black or very dark brown. A few white hairs on the chest are allowed.
 Color dismissals are: Solid Black, Solid Red, Brindle, Solid white, White on the head.  A White spot on the chest larger than 2 inches in diameter. White body spots. White socks on the legs.

Height and Weight: Males stand 15 to 21 inches, females 15 to 19 inches. Any height over or under shall be severely penalized in the ring. Weight is between 25 to 45 pounds for males, somewhat less for females.
A mature Schmuuhund's diet should be watched carefully as they gain weight easily.  Proper exercise and dietary controls are essential especially as the breed reaches maturity.

Temperament: The Schmuuhund's temperament is one of its outstanding features. The typical Schmuuhund is a loving dog. It should be a friend to children. They should be watchful, alert, curious, intelligent yet affectionate and somewhat playful.
The Schmuuhund may attach himself to one particular person but it should enjoy the company of the entire family.
Schmuuhunden often excel at Therapy or Library programs due to their gentle, loving nature.
They can be vocal with strangers but must be amenable to handling in the ring and with invited guests.
The Schmuuhund can tend toward dog aversion or aggression, continual socialization with easy-going dogs is highly recommended.
Although prey-driven, a well-balanced, well-socialized Schmuuhund ideally will do well with other types of farm or typical household animals.
The Schmuuhund can be a mouthy breed in youth and thus must be taught bite inhibition.
The Schmuuhund, having been a house dog for thousands of years does not do well alone in a yard or isolated from human contact.

One of the most curious Schmuuhund traits is gazing at people tenderly and licking  a person's face.  They sometimes will groom other pets. While in Therapy training, the face-licking is not desirable, it must be understood that it is part of the Schmuuhund's basic temperament.

The Schmuuhund also likes to lay on humans, and its body warmth often creates a slightly narcotic effect known as "Schmuubein" or "Sleeping Time."  It is not uncommon to see several Schmuuhund owners dozing with their "Schmoos" on their laps.  This goes back to the dog's ancestral roots as bed warmers in Norse houses.

Health: The Schmuuhund is a relatively healthy dog.  It may suffer from seasonal allergies but most health problems are due to obesity.

Trainability: High. Learns quickly. Usually extremely food and/or praise motivated. The Schmuuhund does not respond well to harsh training methods.

Energy Level: Moderate to low in maturity. Exercising is encouraged as to avoid the potential for weight gain and the joint and heart problems associated with obesity.

Guarding Level: Fairly High. Good Guarding Instinct. Can be noisy as it alerts by barking.

Good with Children: Yes, if socialized properly and children are respectful.  Can be extremely devoted to children.

Good with Other Animals: Yes, if socialized properly. The Schmuuhund can be fearful or aggressive around other noisy or rude dogs. Proper introductions are key.




Really? 
Pssst, it's not a real dog breed.....
Wow, I'm that good?

The Norwegian Schmuuhund: Breed History Part One

So many people have asked me what kind of dog Elke is. Here is Part One of the breed and its history.

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The Norwegian Schmuuhund (pronounced Schmooo-hund) is an ancient and extremely rare breed.

Many modern breeds such as the Alaskan Klee-Klee, the Keeshond, The Norwegian Elkhound and Buhund (new to the AKC this year, btw) and several Swedish breeds (such as the Lapphund and Vallhund) trace their lineage directly to the Schmuuhund. Most, if not all the Nordic/Scandanavian breeds come from the ancient Norwegian Schmuuhund.

You will find The NS in the Belgian Shepherd breeds, most especially the Malinois. A typical NS has the dark muzzle and black-tipped ears now commonly seen on a Malinois. This is also seen in German Shepherds Dogs, who get their guarding and herding instincts from their ancient ancestor, the NS.

The Spitz type dogs get their distinctive curled tail from the NS. Over the years, the tail has become a tighter curl in these dogs, such as the Malamute and Siberian Husky.

Over 4,000 years ago, travelers from Scandia made their way to what was then called the Northern China Silk Route. Evidence of these tall, blonde travelers was found (see the Talka Makan Mummies) near and in Qizilchoqa. We do know (from Norse artifacts found all over Northern Europe and the British Isles) that the Norsemen traveled with their faithful dogs, the ancient NS.

It is reasonable to assume that these far-flung travelers took their faithful, small guard dogs on this lengthy and perilous journey to China although no archeological evidence has been found to date (Summer 2009). It is surmised, from structural evidence found in today's Chow, Shar-pei and Pug dogs that their ancestor too, was the ancient NS. The NS gave the Pug their distinctive cobby build and curled tail. Canine structural studies indicate the Shar-pei and Chows' characteristic neck rolls are most likely from the NS. Certainly their guarding proclivatities are from the NS.

As the development of breeds throughout Northern Europe and China, the ancient NS fell "out of favor" so to speak, and was thought extinct. Its nearest relative would be what is now the modern Norwegian Buhund.

Modern History of the Norwegian Schmuuhund:

In 1902, Lady Eloise Burleigh-Smythe of Northumbria, UK, (through a bizarre twist of fate) met and married the Swedish explorer and amateur biologist, botanist, and collector of water closet chain pulls, Sven Horst Wortenberg-Belsen-Svorsvenson.

Eloise, an eager student of Viking history in the British Isles, had seen artifacts showing the Nordic canines. Ever curious and a dog-lover herself, she wondered if there were any of these brave dogs left in the world. While trekking through the upper reaches of Scandanavia with her husband and children (Sven the Younger, Freya and little Elke) the party became stranded in unmapped upper Lappland. Fearing the worst and with winter setting in, Eloise wondered if starting this expedition in November might not have been one of her husband's better ideas. The family found a snow cave and hopefully took shelter.

Two days into their horrific ordeal, Eloise, thought she heard scratching at the ice covering the cave entrance. The scratching turned out to be a small Nordic-type dog accompanied by two native Northern Lapplanders. The kind little dog took to cuddling with the children, thus keeping them warm and saving their lives.

Next:
Modern Breed History Continues
and
Breed Type

ThingsThat Astound Me, Part One

I must say that I have done some pretty crazy things in my lifetime.

Not insanely crazy like my husband has done. I must say that he has done things that truly make me wonder if he isn't part cat and is on Life Seven of his nine.

The "Playing Chicken" with boats on Lake Mary where he grew up. That means you get two boats at opposite end of a large lake, head them towards each other and high-spped throttle them. I think one time they collided. Apparently, my mother in law thought this very good sport and laughed hysterically at their boating skills. Or lack thereof. Mothers were tougher when we were younger.

The homemade "Grapefruit Throwing Pipe Cannons" using real black powder mounted on said boats. You have to give them an A+ for creativity and mechanical genius. It doesn't hurt that my late father in law was a a car/plane/jet mechanic so some of that is bound to rub off.

Riding and driving anything with wheels at high rates of speed. If it has wheels, he fears it not. My only sigh of relief is that he does not own a motorcycle. Thank the Gods for small favors.

Being a Marine. Being a Marine in a bar. Being a Marine, in a bar, being challenged as to your moxie by several large, notorious motorcycle gang members. Being a Marine, in a bar, getting into fisticuffs with said Biker gang members and wrecking said bar. (To give him and his fellow Marines kudos, they came back the next day and completely repaired said bar at their own expense.)

Falling into a conduit. (Did I spell that right?) Another story.

Chasing a roadrunner. Not hazardous but very funny. He didn't know they flew! Way too many drinks and way too many Warner Brothers cartoons.

Now, I truly have to say my spousal unit has a lot of guts. Every day, he gets up, goes to work and deals with pretty much never-ending pain and discomfort. For fun and exercise, he rides his bike. He has ridden it over 140 miles in a weekend. Over hill, over dale and down valleys. I don't know how he does it. Seeing some of those hills makes me want to cry or puke. Heck, I think putting his bike on the car rack is an accomplishment (the thing weighs a ton). So yes, he astounds me and humbles me and sometimes shames me. He is pretty darn fearless.

He'll watch somebody do something insane (like hang-gliding let's say) and say, "That looks like fun. I'd do that." (In the hang-gliding case, I think he has.) If he ever gets the chance to go into outer space, wild horses will not stop him. He'll be the first one signing up for the Mars trip. He is very seldom non-plused or phased by much. Been there, done that. Sigh. Sometimes that gets my goat.

Interestingly enough, he has no desire to "jump out of a perfectly good plane." He does admit that if it's going down, you have to fight him for the parachute. I, on the other hand, have toyed with the notion.

But I digress.

So it was much to my amazement and astonishment as we were driving on the highway from Sedona (Arizona) to Flagstaff (same state) he noticed the bike lane on the highway.

Yes, Arizona has BIKE LANES on the highways. As in bicycle. The kind you pedal.

At first he thought he had misread the sign. But no, he hadn't. Our friend Aunt Judy saw them too.

"Bike lanes? Are you kidding me? On the ____ highway? No ____ way. That's insane! I wouldn't do that! No ____ way!" (Insert several cuss words).

Needless to say, I was surprised; nay, astounded. Once in a while, he displays more than a microbe of good sense.

So You Wanna Walk, eh?

Ah, yes,

Mia and Her Opinions. Like one's backside, everybody has one. Especially me.

I read a post on active.com about a person (I think it was a woman) who wanted advice for getting ready to do the Cancer 3 Day.

Trying to find Walking advice is like trying to find an honest politician. Almost impossible.

Here is what I wrote:
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First of all, you CAN do this. I'm a 55year old girl and I am here to tell you...yes, you can!

I wanted to do the 3 day for years but it's the fund raising part. I think they should pay US to walk 3 days!

Here's my take on Walking.
And, (disclosure here), I am NOT a health professional or a Health Nut!

I had been diagnosed with fibro in December 2005 and totally oinked out, feeling sorry for myself. A health crisis led me to rethink the extra weight. "This is stupid, I've never been overweight! I'm going to kill myself here!"

I started walking slowly in August 2006 and really began in January 2007. I had set as a goal for myself --- a 10K race (May 2007 Cleveland Marathon). I was 50 pounds overweight. I conned my brother into doing it with me. I figured if I crashed, he'd be there to help me! I started walking around our block (1/2 mile) then kept going. I did that race (as a walker) in a really respectable time too. By race time, I had lost 40 pounds. (I've since lost 60).

What worked for me was "hard" days then off days. I think you have to get out there EVERY DAY, even if it's for a half an hour stroll. On the hard days, I pushed hard or went for distance. You'll know if it's hard -- you can't talk. I also was encouraged to cross-train by biking and yeah, they (my brother and husband, the b*****ds --- my add-ons here) are right about that. So I have Walking Days and Biking days. When i was starting (or when I have to restart), I add a mile every week.

So you start with say, one mile every other day, then next week, 2 miles and so on. In 3 months, you are basically doing a half-marathon! I do that big distance once a week; the rest I do between 3 and 8 miles every other day. If you are ONLY walking and not cross-training, on your "off" days, you'll do half of your "on" day distance and walk it easy. You get one day off for rest but I don't really recommend even that. You have to move, even a bit.

Remember to breath!! I like breathing in through my nose where I can feel my nostrils flaring and out through my mouth.

Don't forget to do your leg stretches afterwards, especially on your Hard days!!

Make sure you're getting enough potassium and magnesium; this keeps you from getting leg cramps. If I have a small glass of real orange juice with a bit of wate in the morning, it really helps. So do bananas (which is why they have them for you after races!)

I also think yoga and/or Pilates or Core Training is very helpful. It helps with your breathing and core strength, which actually improved my times!

If you are a female over 40, you really have to get out there at least 5 days week, where you are pushing more. I know, it isn't fair but I have noticed when I slack off, I feel worse and I start that tubby thing around my middle and my fibro will act up.

I also highly recommend keeping a daily food and exercise journal. I use a piece of paper that i keep in my kitchen. It has date, time, what I ate (even snacks) and what exerciese I did. And yes, I track (with a pedometer) hard housework! (Up and down stairs). I did watch what I ate by eating smaller meals, eating slower and more often. I cut back severely on simple carbs and upped my protein.

You do have to listen to your body, but don't let it say, "I caaaan't do that! Waaah!" So much of this is truly mental. I sometimes chant to myself (like The Little Engine That Could): "I know I can! I know I can!"I have days when I do not want to go out but I know if I do, I'll feel better in my soul. My body may curse me but I actually feel better there too!

Pedometers can be helpful but for "real" distance, drive it in a car and get exact distances. A pedometer is accurate to within 2/10-4/10s of a mile. Don't try to set your stride on the silly things; it's a waste of your time. Figure out several courses and go!

I would also suggest that you get your feet checked by a foot doc to make sure you don't have some weirdness with your feet. Good shoes, fitted correctly are a must and learning how to tape your own toes/feet is really helpful. Do NOT get "walking" shoes, believe it or not. The support is not there for distance walking. And go to a store that caters to runners; not one of the big chains. They do not have the expertise to fit you correctly. If you walk daily a lot, replace your shoes every 6 months or buy two pairs that work and rotate them every other day. Definitely pitch them after a year. Mine go after 6 months. I use them for biking but they still go for after a year.

I truly hate treadmills but will go on them if necessary. However, if you do do a treadmill, do not read on it --- you are not working --- trust me. I like roadwork and hiking, although I do take it easier on a hike as I am more conscious of my footing. I do recommend that you do outside walking or even on a track. I walk in the winter as long as the roads are clear (I live in a city). If you are walking briskly, you don't need to dress up like Nanook of the North.

Make sure you can sweat, especially getting air on your upper chest. For some reason, that's where I over-heat! If you stop sweating, you need ot be hydrated immediately! I can't stress the hydration thing enough. I've had it happen once and it was awful. If you live in a really hot area (like AZ) go at night when it's cool.

I also strongly recommend getting a Road ID; they have a website. That way, you have ID on you. Also make sure you carry water or Gatorade if you are going out more than say a mile or if it's hot or dry where you live. You have to stay hydrated. It's a pain, I know. They make little hand-held bottles that strap onto your hand and those are spiffy!

Wear reflective gear; think like a cyclist.

Blisters: When you feel one coming on, soak your feet for 30-60 minutes with Epsom salts and put really good moisturizer or conditioning oil on your feet, Rub it in and put cotton sox on for the night. Repeat daily and you should be able to walk again (if they are bad) in a day. Start gently.

I also (as has been mentioned) listen to music. I find it very motivating and you can get into a rhythm easier, IMO. Keep the volume pretty low so you can hear cars. I love my Clip; it's small!

I set a goal to do a half-marathon as a walker and did the Cleveland 2008 Half and the Octocber 2008 Towpath Half. I just kept going and felt so exilherated when I (barely) crossed the finish line the first time. This year (2009), I've done 5Ks, 10Ks, a 10 mile benefit hike with my dog (not walker friendly, BTW), and the Cleveland Half....all as a Walker.

If you plan to enter a race and I truly encourage you to do so, pick ones that are Walker friendly, especially the big distances (10Ks, Halfs and Fulls). Many SAY Walk/Run but they aren't really. There is still a lot of prejudice and snobbery regarding Walking and I've had runners during races yell at me to get out of the way.

Talk to a race official if you can on the phone. Find out what the time limit is! Longer races that I know of that are really Walking friendly are: Cleveland, Columbus (OH), Dallas White Rock, that one in Alaska (Midnight Sun, I think) and the Mardi Gras in New Orleans. The Mouse (Disney) is supposed to be really nice as well.

Professional Walkers and really active Marathon Walkers says that Columbus Ohio is THE BEST first marathon to be in. To get a medal for finishing is so cool! I felt like an Olympian!
Do a local 1 mile, 3K or 5K. There are tons all year round and you can find them on this website. You will feel such a sense of accomplishment! I know of Marathon Walkers who are over 65 and some that are disabled AND over 65 who still compete. So, yes, this is doable.

As for the 3 Day
Take Your Time. It is, by all accounts, very, very well-supported and you can take all day to do that 20 miles. I know of people who have not walked beyond a few miles who have done it and survived!

Good luck! Keep us posted. Walkers Rock!
Mia
(who WILL do a marathon!)

It's Just Not Plain Ol' "Douche"

I posted this as a comment to a great Blog.....
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Actually, to be technically correct...it is Douche BAG!! Please, the Bag must be added.

A douche is something you either give yourself or something you get by going down a big water slide! It can be a rather nice experience.

In the Olden Days, your grandmother's Douche bag was a cross between a hot water bottle and a garden hose. It actually WAS, come to think of it. It would sit hooked on the top of your shower head or rod with this incredibly long hose and gravity did it's thing. Thus the term: Douche Bag.

By the time I had entered the mystical world of feminine hygenie, the Douche bag looked suspisciously like a well-insulated ice bag with a very rigid tampon topper. You laid down (perferably in the bath tub) and squoze the damn thing! Thus the term: Mini Douche Bag.

In order to be a MDB, you were pretty annoying or, if you were male, you never called after the first date. But to earn the title Douche Bag, you had to be something truly reprehensible! If you were male, you never called after one-night sex. This is a real douche bag.

So, in this case, there have been no fun, screaminng-meamie water slides, chilled mountain stream sitting (Mother Nature's Douche) or even a bidet (preferably in France. She behaved like a real First Class, Uber-Ultimate Douche Bag. The Bag or Bags, baby!

© 2009 Mia K-H

English Is A Strange Language When You Are Six

My sister had given me papers that either Mom or Dad had saved. (I’m not sure, she’ll remember where she had them.)

I’ve been scanning them so they’re saved. I have no idea who would want the damn things! I did find a book of rhyming poems I must have done in first grade. I know it wasn’t second grade because we were learning cursive. (Do they still teach cursive writing?) Each little haiku type poem had it own page, complete with illustrations. (Do they still make kids do this stuff by hand and not on a damn computer? God I hope so.)

By the way, I have no idea who those other four kids/people might be.

Some of these make sense…..

My new sled
Is brown and red.

(I remember that sled! A Flexible Flyer.)

Beautiful flowers.
All ours.

Roses, daffodils and pansies stick out in my mind. I vividly remembering weeding white and red roses, ruthlessly tended by Mr. Kracsoy the Hungarian gardening man. He, no matter what my mother wanted, planted and cared for those white and red roses. Trust me, Mary Louise, had no choice or voice as to what was going in that flower bed next to the driveway. "Ve vill plant Rrrrr-ozes!" A Hungarian can make a five-letter word into about sixty syllables.

Thus, my Grandmother Knerly/Racoszzky/Kossa's exclamation of: "Oh, darrrrr-linkkk, Grrrand-mmma lll-ufffs you so moochhchch." To this day, if I hear someone say "Darling" in that particular manner, all bets are off. They are Hungarian.
To continue:

The boy
Had a toy.

There was a house
Who had a mouse.

In a few, we see that English really is a very confusing language. What SOUNDS right ain’t how it’s spelled!

The little girl
Had a cirl.

I bet it’s from that nursery rhyme Mom used to quote:
"There was a little girl/Who had a little curl/Right in the middle of her forehead."
Etc.

There is a man
Holling a can.

For a moment, I thought it said “holing.” That brought several extremely weird, random things into my head.

There was a Joe
He was a Croe

An Existential Thought:
There was a pan
Is there a Dan.

A Question.
Can I have some fat
To make a cat.
(Ah-ha! So THAT’S how you do it!)

There was a hen
Who’s name was men.
And yes, the picture shows a hen wearing a shirt that says “men” on it, thus justifying her name. See above!


There was dog
Who’s name was hog.
The dog does not have a shirt with his name on it.

There was a bee
Who had a key.

That could actually work…. The key to the hive? The key to happiness?

There was a hen
Eating a pen.
Not good for the hen. It was not the kind you write with but an area of containment.

There was a car
Eating a candy bar.
Shades of Herbie, perhaps? Or Kit the car on Knight Rider, which was on the Boob Tube way after I wrote this.. I obviously was getting hungry while I was writing.

There was a cat
Inside a bat.
One hell of a big bat!

Did you see boaty
Who had a goaty.

(I was stretching here.) When I just read it now, decades later, I thought it said BOOTY and GOOTY at first.

My first thought was, “Huh?”

At some point, I bet the teacher said, “You have to use your name in a poem.” This can work well if your name is Michelle (Bell). Or Mitch (Hitch, Bitch, etc.) Or Hillary (Pillory?) But Mary? And my full real name Mary Ellen? It gets tough..

There was a lary Hlen’
Who had a Mary Ellen

There was a tary
Who had a Mary.

Don’t ask me what a tary is. To tarry, yes.

And a “lary Hlen’?” I have no idea. I probably didn’t know then but it sounded good!

As Spock Would Say, "Fascinating..."

It's nice to know that my awareness quotient is coming back, Not in gang-buster formation but much better than it was.

I was in a meeting to day and I could feel the most fascinating tension. Not bad or stressed or even weird, just anticipatory. As though something were going to blow. Not big, just blow. My one friend kept looking at me and smiling at me, almost a reassuring smile. But I could feel this sense of tension, not bad necessarily . Much more like heightened awareness. Something was up and I sure as hell hoped it had nothing to do with me.

I was manipulated with a dancer's grace out of the meeting room by a very charming man and the door to the meeting room was slammed in my face. A soft slam but nonetheless a dismissal. I was impressed with the efficacy with which is was done. Very smooth, very effective. Almost sinister. But it's not about me, which in the end is what counts.

But I would have hated to be in that hot seat. Thos people were good.

Labor Day

While I'm waiting for my darling husband to do something with sone butt-head computer that he has been fussing with for what seems YEARS, I thought I'd drop a note.

Yesterday I went for a hike through the Cuyahoga Valley National Park with one of my dogs. Winger always has been a good hiking dog; stays right with you. He's a lot slower nowadays, being ten and all. But it was sylvan and peaceful and relaxing. Just to take the time. It is one of my truly favorite things to do, hike with a good dog. I have to work with the puppy, Elke, a lot more but i think she'll end up being a good hiking dog.

It's one of my joys and therefore makes me a bit prejudiced about breed types. I love the herding breeds because their tendency is to stick near you.

Well, I think we're going biking now! Goody. Fresh air. Got to get some!

A Tribute

For some reason, it got weird. I shall resubmit....

And so the Musings Continue.....

Welcome to my world. The dogs are nutty and the summer wind blows. A perfect summer day. A perfect summer evening. The kind you dream of in late January, when it's dreary and cold.

And yet, my heart does grieve for my darling brother and niece, who must figure out why the earth keeps spinning when part of their lives, their essence, is not of this world any more. My sister (in law), Kaya, died two weeks ago and a huge part of me is still reeling.

But I digress, as is my wont. Life is good. Life is good because there are people who love me, animals who love me and Kaya loved me and most likely still does. I can see her her sideways glance, sharing an unspoken joke. It's in my dreams and I did dream of her two days after she left her body here and went to the sun, to her home. She is still with me. So it must be a thousand times, a zillion times more so for my brother and my niece.