Total Pageviews

Monday, May 27, 2013

Songs I Wish I Never Knew

As a singer of many songs, there are LOTS of songs I love to sing.  Songs that never grow old. I have sung "Misty" (a huge hit for Johnny Mathis) probably a thousand times and it doesn't get old.   Neither does "As Time Goes By."  I love "Because Of You."  I get chills when I sing it. Etc. Etc.

And so on.

I am, thanks to the piano player I'm working with now, learning new standards.  Exciting and terrifying.

But there is only so much room in the hard drive of my brain to hold so much information.  I'm not trying to brag here, but I would guess-timate that I know 1,2000+ songs off the top of my head. Learning something new or difficult poses some interesting conundrums.  Thank god for 4x6 file cards with the words.

I'd like to empty out some of that cranial hard drive to make room for more songs, provided I could really learn them with assurance.  Memorization is getting a bit harder, but I persevere!

So.  Here are some songs I'd love to never sing again.

OR hear again.

OR think about again.  Ever.

(The caveat being that I had to have sung them in public on a paying gig.)

In no particular order:

"Honey" by Bobby Goldsboro.
Makes any respectable baby boomer cringe.
Horrible, dripping, oozing, depressing, pestilent piece of dreck.

"Satin Doll" should be played.
Never sung.
Especially by a woman.
Every vocal version sucks, Including mine.

Yes, really, I had to learn this. "Feelings....NOoooo-whoa-whoa....feelings."
God help me.

"Punky Pumpkin" 
Poor Rosemary Clooney.  In her "Patter Songs" years.
This make "Come On-A My House" look like "As Time Goes By."
A great singer singing a stupid patter song.
Kind of in the same family as "Teddy Bears' Picnic."  Except everyone over 65 or a Capt. Kangaroo watcher KNOWS that song.
I've done Punky Pumpkin twice now, at the behest of my piano player who cheerfully encourages the senior audiences by kindly saying, "You all remember this song!"  And none of them ever do.  Ever.  Two minutes of wasted musical space.  Blank faces.  Retire it.

I can now sing "Girl From Ipanema" but it's taken 20 years to get over it.

"Rag Mop"  "R./I say R.A,/ R.A.G/....R.A.G.G....RAGGMOPP, Ragmop," etc.
Make it stop.
My piano player loves it.  It was a big hit when he graduated.
Well, "American Pie" was a huge hit when I graduated.
Oh, wait.
I've sung that one too.
I absolutely (insert long string of swear words) HATE THAT STUPID SONG.
Make it stop.

"For All We Know."  
OK, I admit to loving many of the Carpenters songs.
They are a guilty pleasure.  Like Barry Manilow.
Admit it.  'Fess up.
You all have at least guilty musical pleasure.
This is their worst song and the Worst Wedding Song ever.  OH, wait...that would be....

"There Is Love" ("He is now to be among you at the calling of your hearts...")
Goes on record as the Worst Song I've ever had to SING AND PLAY.
Yes, folks, I used to play that on the guitar. A double Musical Low in Mia's Career!!

"If" by Bread.
Once a decade is about all I'm good for.

"Total Eclipse Of The Heart"
Man, what a personal, musical low point in my career. The sheer thought of having to sing that again makes me want to hurl. Dinner. Something sharp.
I'm sure Bonnie Tyler is probably a very nice lady, but what a crappy singer.

"Evergreen".  Yes, I know it won and Oscar for Best Song.  It wasn't a great year.  Obviously.
Plus to hold out those last 30-bars-on-one-breath and hit the notes right is not for the faint of heart.  Or smokers.

"The Pina Colada Song." You know the one.  "If you like pina coladas/and getting caught in the rain."  Thank god I only had to sing it once and somebody else had the words.

"Memory" from CATS.
I hear all you Broadway and Webber nuts. "How dare she slam that song? Sacrilege!"
Look, you always end up doing that damn song usually towards the END of a gig when you're butt-tired.
It starts in the stratosphere and never comes down.
It can go so wrong, so fast and make any decent singer look like a tuneless, amateur-ish hack in about 2 seconds.  You can go flatter than a triple-A bra in a nanosecond.
I always breathed a huge sigh of relief when I got through that endurance run with my dignity intact.

"All I Ask Of You." 
Please.  Don't ask me. See "Memory."  
Worst duet ever.
Oh, wait.  It's tie with:
"You Don't Bring Me Flowers."

"Tomorrow" from ANNIE.
Of all the good songs in that show (and there are a bunch), why is THAT the one everyone knows?
If I ever had to cast a kid in anything and they sang that for their audition, I'd show them them the door.  "See ya tomorrow when you've got a different song!"

"The Sound of Silence."
"Hello, darkness my old friend..."
Don't turn on the lights,  Please.
How that really made Number One for WEEKS is beyond me.  From the same folks that brought you "Feeling Groovy," which I think it a cute song.
I sang it once.  I needed a drink and at that time, I didn't drink.

There are others.  I bet you can think of some yourself, especially all your performers out there!

But, Number One, with a bullet.
The worst of the worst.
The Lowest of the Low.
The True Toilet Bottom of my 30+ years as a professional singer.
Yes, I had to do it.  Numerous times.
When my old band leader (who never wanted you to look at the words) would start playing the intro for it, I'd glare into the heavens, inwardly curse, deliberately reach into my music box and pull out the word card.  I refused, adamantly and vehemently, to learn the words.
Worst upbeat song every.
Worst country song ever.
Worst line-dancing song ever.

The Spousal Unit still thinks "Honey" should be Number One.
But since I sang this horrible piece of crap about a hundred time as opposed to two or three of the Bobby Goldsboro P.O.S., "Achy Breaky Heart" gets my vote for Worst Song Ever.

No comments:

Post a Comment