Friday, April 1, 2011
Ever had a person come into your life, completely 180 it? Of course, you have. We all have. This man 180'ed me at a young age, as a teenager. He "made" me make a life-alerting career choice, one that still influences my life today.
Ever had that same person years later, 180 your life again? This guy did it when I was a young woman in my 20s. He vastly influenced me yet again, this time in a negative, vindictive, cruel way. He brought out things in me that were very unfair when played out with other peoples' lives.
Then in my late 30s, much more grown up and poised I could face this man and maintain my control, grace and poise. I had come of age and faced a demi-god with the soul and morals of a demon.
It is a long story, filled with kindness and cruelty and my own redemption, my own coming of age. A strong ending that completed a circle of growth, of womanhood. . From child to young, vulnerable girl-woman to my full strength as Wise Woman. I can tell it now because he has passed, not long after my mother did. She knew him but she never knew how he hurt me, almost destroyed me. Not with deeds but with words and actions.
in the end, the man I worshiped, became someone I felt sorry for because he had never truly had what I had: Love, Compassion, Friendship, even Health. And in the end I could look into his eyes and express Gratitude for the window he opened in my young life, for being the wind of change in my soul.
Even though it is presumptuous arrogance to say you are better than someone else, I had become More. For all his fame, chances, lifestyle. I still had and was More. And I think in that tiny corner of his being that was not filled with rampant arrogance, he knew that I had become More.
For the first time in my life, I felt my inner power, like a cloak of protection, grace, poise, graciousness, an unattainable beauty. Untouchable, unless I wish you to do so. Queenly. A goddess within and without. Finding his picture reminds me that I still posess that power within myself. We all do. It is in conquering our demons, our fears, our self-doubt, our self-flagellation, our cruelty, our pettishness that we find our inner power. Our tie to our Higher Power. The Goddess or God within.
It is a gift we receive as we become seasoned in life, living months, years, decades. Even those of us who are our Fathers, our Mothers and Grandfathers, Grandmothers who have gone ahead of us in the Journey of Life --- even if they are quite old and bent, look into their eyes and you will see More.
When I met this man, I was less. I was young and impressionable and he was impressive! He did change my life's focus, but I walked the paths. i became what I am and will be, in whatever way ---- More.